Japril - Finding my faith again
by Nano-no1
Summary: Following S14E10, where April has a day of loss and despair and her faith is tested. This short story is set a few weeks down the line and shows what has happened to April. It covers a single day where April's loss of faith is seen in her patient care and How Jackson is affected.


So I have just watched Season 14 Episode 10 (Personal Jesus) where April has her faith crisis and was full of creative ideas. I love how they have set it up for April to have some interesting character development and in my mind I feel that it would actually be Jackson, her best friend and soul mate, who would eventually be the one to inadvertently restore that faith. Also I think that her loss of faith would impact Jackson to the point where actually that missing element of their 'relationship' would spur him to becoming more understanding and accepting. So this was just an idea that was floating round my head of where it might begin. I did think about doing a lot more detail and maybe covering a few weeks worth of patients, reactions and stories, but I desperately want to watch the next episode and don't feel I could write this properly if I saw what actually happens! So I thought I'd bang it out quickly and then will not deny myself of the next episode!

Also, this is my first fan fiction that I've published and that is not a Harry Potter story! I understand that I may not have conveyed the characters to the best of my ability, but having not watched Grey's anatomy for a couple of years (I have been at the mercy of Amazon Love Film who have only recently added season 13) my memory of the whole Japril saga is a bit hazy and I'm still in the process of revisiting many Jackson and April stories and characteristics.

It was quiet. The sounds of monitors beeping and people talking in hushed voices did nothing to fill the void. It had been 6 weeks since Matthew had lost his wife. Since that family had lost their little boy. Since a well known surgeon had been hit by a bus and suffered a loss of consciousness that had resulted in his death.  
6 weeks since she had slept with that intern.  
6 weeks since April had prayed.

She communicated to her patients, gave them medicine and advice before sending them on their way. She routinely performed operations on those who came in with gunshot wounds and broken legs, those who had fallen down stairs, lacerated their foreheads, fallen out of their treehouses and severed their limbs accidentally.

But her spark had gone. Her days had begun to meld together. She worked, she slept, she came to work again. Every other day she had Harriett with her, but those days were the hardest of all. Harriett was a constant reminder of Ruby. Of how Ruby no longer had a Mother to love her and hold her when she cried. How she would never be sung to sleep by the woman who gave her life. Of how she would never have eskimo kisses or hear baby talk from the one person in the world who should be the person she recognises the most in the world.

In turn that would bring Matthew to mind. The one person left in baby Ruby's world to love her unconditionally. Yet he would be so consumed with grief that he would feel like giving up. She knew that feeling. All she seemed to know these days was loss. Loss of her virginity, loss of her baby, loss of her best friend, of her husband. And now her faith.

Maybe she had been wrong all this time. And if she had been, then she didn't know who she was or how she was meant to be. Every word she uttered seemed foreign and sour. Every reaction she had to the people around her, to the things that she saw and heard was painful because she didn't know who she was anymore. She lost her temper with patients and doctors, she showed less patience when interns messed up or didn't know the answer. She avoided talking to people she found annoying or frustrating because she no longer had the patience of a saint. She became very matter of fact with people, whether it was the barista who had put an extra shot in her coffee or the man who had cut her up on the freeway or if it was a patient who just would not listen.

'Rachel we've done all the tests now, one last thing is to take this pill and we can send you home. You don't have any other injuries, but you do need to come back in in a week's time to let us check out that hand.'  
'What is it you want me to take?' Rachel asked, her voice quiet and still rather shaky.  
'This here is just a tiny little pill that is very easy to swallow and is basically just a morning after pill which we always get people to take as a precaution.'  
'No. I won't take the morning after pill. Doctor, I'm sorry and I know you think I must be crazy.' Her eyes watered and the bleakness in them showed that she was scared. But she squared her shoulders and shook her head as she spoke, her resolve and determination beginning to dissipate her fears.  
'Rachel, that man who raped you doesn't deserve to be someone who puts a stop to your life. It may not happen and that's great, but what if it does. What if you end up pregnant? You've had 4 great kids who are all grown up and got their own kids. Your husband just retired, and you guys have the most amazing year of travelling booked. You finally get to be the you that you have waited 30 years for. Don't let this one decision ruin that. Don't let that scumbag take that from you.'  
'I get what you are saying Doctor Kepner, but I won't do it. I have always believed that abortion and terminations are not God's will. If I end up being pregnant then it will be because God has a plan for me and that child.'

April sighed at this point. She really wasn't in the mood for this. Circling her neck to ease some of the tension in her shoulders she pressed on.  
'So you'd rather spend a few weeks being unsure after one of the most traumatic experiences of your life and then perhaps the next 9 months going through general pregnancy pains and anxieties, which will be more extreme than you've previously experienced because of your age and because your body has already had to go through this several times. And then another 18+ of bringing up a child? All that instead of taking 2 seconds to take one tiny tablet right now, before anything has happened and so that you can get on with healing and going back to the life you've been waiting for? Rachel, I urge you to-'  
Rachel stopped April before she could go any further. 'Doctor, I said no. Please just respect that and tell me if there is anything else. Is my husband here yet? I would like to go home if I could.'

Jackson had just finished with his patient when he heard April. At first it didn't register that it was April because it was a doctor trying to convince a patient to take a pill that could effectively kill a life that might come into being – but April would never do that. April would listen and understand – not just because of her faith and beliefs, but because of her compassion for others and her respect for what others believed and felt. Yes, she would tell them the risks, allow them to understand their choices fully, but she would never tell them they were wrong.

But it WAS April. His April. The one who wouldn't even have an abortion for a child she knew was a lost soul. She went through the pain and heartache just so that that child could live a natural life however short it might have been.  
Something was wrong. He couldn't believe that April was trying to convince someone to change their core beliefs. To react the way he himself would react. In fact, he wouldn't be as good at his job as he was if he didn't have her small quiet voice in his head sometimes telling him that just because he had all the medical knowledge and training that he had, didn't mean that every patient was a robot with the exact same feelings, beliefs and experiences. She regularly pleaded with him, both physically and as the voice in his head, to give a bit of wriggle romm – to do his job to the best of his ability, but also to remember that his patients were human and had reasons for the choices they made that didn't concern him as their Doctor but also as a stranger who was only fleetingly part of their lives.  
He knew she was in a bad place at the moment. Of course he did. Just because they were no longer married didn't mean she wasn't one of the most important people in his life. And because of that he knew when she was hurting. He knew hen she was scared and when she broken. Usually it was his fault and he hated himself for that, but this time was different. This time she was cut off from him like she was in a parallel world. As though he was looking at her through a one way mirror. He'd asked her if she was ok dozens of times, he'd spent the past few weeks trying to get her to talk to him. But she wouldn't even look at him. People around the hospital had started talking. Everyone had noticed that the chirpy April Kepner who was the first person to help anyone through a crisis even if she was going through her own personal hell, had been replaced with a person that none of them recognised. It was fairly subtle. She hadn't become an outright evil person, but she no longer filled the space with her smile and optimism. Her laughter and cheeriness no longer lit up any room she was in. In fact, for weeks she had melted into the background almost as if she was afraid of her own voice, of being noticed.

And it broke his heart over and over again. She was his best friend. She was still the first person he thought of when he wanted to tell someone about his rotten day or his crazy patient or his personal achievement of the week. He couldn't help it.  
And they had been getting that back hadn't they? They had settled into a comfortable routine of conversation and joking and opening up to each other again. They had taken on the role of parents together and did it really well. And then it happened. He'd lost himself in her again in Montana, in her never ending optimism and compassion. He hadn't known what to do or say or think and so he didn't do or say or think anything. He'd just avoided her as naturally as possible whilst at work and tried to be as jolly and buddy as possible at home.  
And then she was gone. Gone from his house, from his day to day life. They talked in the hallways and it had been all professional with shared patients, but a hole had appeared the moment she moved her things out.  
He was pulled back to reality as his pager sounded, drawing him away from April and towards a new emergency that had come in on this unnaturally quiet day.

Jackson had been doing rounds for the past few hours, his last stop being an elderly gentleman with kind eyes and a hole in his neck where he'd previously had throat cancer but had opted not to have the final surgery to close the hole that had been created in his throat due to a number of complications. This meant that when he talked, his voice came out as more of a hiss than anything else. He'd come in today because he had fallen at his front door when he'd gone out to pick up his newspaper and had managed to rip the skin clean off his face - from the inner corner of his right eye all the way to below his cheek bone.  
Jackson wasn't sure if he'd be able to save the eye, but having spent some hours yesterday carefully cleaning the wound and replacing the flesh, he was satisfied that the eye would be ok as long as he didn't experience any infections over the next couple of weeks. Jackson had been on the verge of discharging Harold, the patient, until he began complaining of headaches and blurred vision so they were in the process of doing and redoing some tests to see if the fall had caused any other injuries. He hadn't hit his head and hadn't lost consciousness at all so Jackson was quietly confident that Harold would be ok.

'Do you think God is punishing me.' Came Harold's hissing voice.  
Jackson didn't hear him as he'd been busy writing the chart up and had thought that Harold was asleep. If you were not paying full attention to him when he talked it was very difficult to make out what he was saying as much of the sound would bubble out of the hole in his throat. One was very reliant on seeing his lips to help identifying exactly what he was saying.  
'Harold, I thought you were asleep! What was that you just said?' Jackson replied as he checked that the drip was still correctly attached and pressed one last button on the machine before directing his full attention to the man in front of him.  
'I've done things. I made my money at the expense of other people's happiness. I abandoned my wife and children because I thought they were holding me back. I stole my best friend's wife because he upset my professional aims. I've used people, broken people, lied, cheated-'  
At this he began to cough, closing his eyes and grimacing against the pain. He was obviously trying to cough as gently as possible but this just meant he kept coughing for longer. During this time Jackson was able to process everything the man had just told him. He'd seen this gentleman before as he had consulted on work to his throat and he'd always thought he was a kind man.  
Hearing him say these things about himself, about the kind of person he had been, was shocking and upsetting. Although he hadn't managed to understand every word the man had said, he was able to get a good idea of what he was saying. And yet he could clearly see that this guy was incredibly repentive of the life he'd led. If April had taught him anything it was that it was never too late for anyone.  
'I think that if you are truly sorry, you truly want to be a different person then God knows.  
It wasn't until after he heard the words leave his mouth that he realised just what he was saying. This guy was not asking him to agree that a God existed or need him to be insincere just to keep the peace. He hadn't even really been asking for an answer. And yet Jackson had given him an honest answer that he well and truly believed. But which went against everything he knew.  
Before he could argue with himself internally or say anything more, the machines began to beep, signifying that something was wrong. Henry's SATS were dropping rapidly, his breathing becoming raspy and forced.  
As people came rushing over, as a crash cart was shouted for, as the sounds of curtains being drawn began to fill the quiet, Jackson heard Henry as clear as day.  
'I'm sorry.'  
And then he was gone. The drone of the machine indicating his heart had stopped beating.  
'Charge to 200. Clear' Jackson shouted as he attempted to restart the heart that had allowed this man to repent in the last moments of his life.

April sat by, as she heard rather than saw, nurses race to Jackson's patient. She was doing a routine check on her patient behind closed curtains and had heard what Jackson had said just a couple of cubicles down. And her heart broke just a little bit more as she heard the sincerity in Jackson's out of character response. Janice, the lady April was currently with, had scoffed indignantly and was currently talking about what a waste of time it was to worry about whether there was a God out there and that anyone was looney if they really believed it.  
And April said nothing. Nothing to defend that man's conviction, to defend those who believed in a greater being. And yet it was as if a small flame had started to flicker in her heart. Like she had suddenly come up for breath. Jackson had stirred something in her that she had lost and had not been able to find in weeks.


End file.
